Your source of supply
I could not talk. Too busy thinking.
What I realized is this.
We all have an area of our lives that feels easy. It can be friendships, career, finances, relationship, family, love, creativity, you name it. It’s an area where you have no drama, and simply ease, flow, pleasure and a feeling of knowing.
And then there are areas that are difficult, muddy and sticky. Topics that you can’t seem to figure out. Areas where you seem to be stuck in a pattern, unknowing how to break free.
Channel of love
Years ago I was lying in the middle of a hot yoga shala somewhere in Bali, in deep meditation. I had sunk so deep that I could not hear the waves or smell the air anymore. I could not even feel my body, but I knew I was there.
I was everywhere, and everywhere was within me.
For the first time in my life I truly felt the overwhelming love of the Universe. It was so powerful that everything else paled in comparison.
In that moment I understood that any feeling of love I have in my life is from here. From THE source.
No matter how much I loved my partner (now husband), I understood that he is not the source of my love. He is the representation of the love that exists for me. He is one of the many channels of love that come to me from the Universe. He is not the source, and therefore I will never have to worry about losing love, because even if something horrible would happen to him, even if he would leave me tomorrow, I know another representation, another channel of love would find its way to me.
Because I’m never without love.
This does not make me unappreciative of him as a person in my life. In fact, since I met him 10 years ago, I have been grateful for his existence every single day. I look at him and I’m grateful. I feel blessed and unbelievably lucky to experience the grace that is his love.
All the while knowing that the true source is even grander.
Come and journey with me
My revelation was about two areas of my life, the easy and the difficult.
The easy one has always been love. And by love I mean my love-relationships with men. I love men, I feel safe with men, I love to be around them, I feel utterly loved by them and have never particularly had drama in this department.
Sure, I have divorced, but I bet my divorce was one of the cleanest and nicest divorces out there, and my ex-husband was a very good man. No drama, we just grew apart.
When I think of love, relationships and men, whether as serious, soul-fulfilling connections (which I have had 2 in my life, both husbands), or short love-affairs (which I’ve had my fair share of), the words that would describe these is fun, adventure, playfulness, ease, magnetism, flow and certainty.
It’s simply magnetic, playful, easy and fun! And because it’s easy and fun, it’s easy and fun (meaning, results come to me effortlessly).
And it has nothing to do with looks, as we all know women who are attractive and intelligent as hell, but are struggling with love relationships.
It’s not fun and easy for them. In fact, it’s sticky, scary and difficult.
Why such a difference?
Because they are disconnected from their true source of supply.
If you don’t feel loved, or worthy of great soul-level loving, there is simply no amount of men that would ever make you feel this love.
You can Tinder and date yourself to exhaustion, but if men (or women, whoever would be a love-relationship for you) are the representation, the channel of the love you allow to receive from the source, there cannot be a representation without the actual source!
There cannot be a wave without the ocean.
There cannot be a beam of sunlight without the sun.
Your current reality is not the truth
For some reason I have always known that I am loved, and worthy of love, no matter what the circumstance. My current reality is not where I draw my conclusions.
I have never let the presence, or the absence, of a man in my life determine my feeling of worthiness and lovable-ness.
There is simply nothing that could happen, nothing that anyone could tell me that would convince me otherwise. I am blissfully stubborn in my conviction.
When I was living alone after the divorce, I would stumble upon various men that were not suitable for me for longer term. When these short flames would extinguish, I would be sad but not heart-broken or scared.
Because I have never, not even for a fraction of a second, been afraid that I would “end up alone.” This thought simply does not enter my brain. The only sad part for me was that I’d have to wait still some more, and I was impatient.
I knew my perfect partner was out there, and I was so excited to meet him. It made me so happy to think about meeting him, and being with him, and I often thought about that with a smile on my face.
With every dying fling I thought “damn, still not you, but one step closer” with an impatient yet fully confident heart as I knew I would one day meet my perfect partner.
And I did, 1.5 years after my divorce I met my current husband who is more than I could have ever hoped for in a man. No drama, just perfection.
If a man would tell me “hey babe, I know you are asking for 100% but all I can give you is 60%, and to be honest I don’t think you are even worth that” I would not even entertain him with a verbal reply. I would simply turn around and walk away, thinking “What a fool.”
It would NOT affect my self-esteem even a fraction of a percent.
I would NOT lower my standards, because of fear for being alone.
I would NOT convince myself that it would be better to take him anyway, because maybe the next one would never come.
And when thinking about this, I realized the comparison to other areas of my life.
The sticky and the muddy
Finances have always been a bit of a muddy puddle for me. It’s not fun, easy, light and magnetic. It’s fearful, untrusting, sceptical and frustrating.
Until it hit me.
If I don’t feel abundant, safe and wealthy no matter what my physical circumstance, there is no amount of money that would fix it.
I could go out there and get all the money, and still would feel untrusting and fearful. Because this issue is not about money. Money is simply the representation of my feeling of abundance.
Money is one channel of how the abundance of the Universe flows to me, and if I’m not open for this flow, if I don’t truly believe and feel abundant, it’s only natural that there is no representation of it.
This is the essence of it.
Observing what is easy, fun and magnetic in life, and re-applying that to the areas that are muddy and murky. Because the skill is there. We CAN feel easy and magnetic, we just choose to do it very selectively in one area of life and not the other.
Because if I can feel the eternal, bountiful love of the Universe in my heart at all times, why could I not feel the bountiful abundance as well?
At least I know that I have to forget about money to “fix this”, since issues like this are not fixed on a physical level.
The physical level is only a representation of our beliefs.
I need to learn to feel safe and abundant at all times, and not let that to be determined by the numbers on my bank account. Why would I let something so volatile determine such a deep feeling for me? It is only a reflection, it is not the reality and it is not the truth. In fact, your current reality is old news.
Your source of supply is not men. It’s not a job or a client, it’s much larger than that. As Michael Beckwith said in one of his lectures, do not elevate these physical things to such a pedestal thinking that only one human, one job, one client could bring you what you need.
Your source of supply, my dear, is the infinite Universe in all of its wisdom.
Look for the source, look for the light. Look for the areas that are free from drama just flowing with certainty and joy. Look there because that’s your key to the source.
It’s hiding there, in the joy and laughter. In the fun and games. In the magnetism and playfulness. Anything else is deliberately withdrawing yourself from the magnificent light that you are.
You might also like…
In just a week I'm traveling to Bali. My first solo-trip since becoming a mom 4.5 years ago. First trip to the tropics since we left in 2017. I have a mixed bag of emotions about this trip from many angles, but one of the strangest one has been about my body. As I buy...
Whenever I stop, it catches up with me. Whenever I stand still, I hear it right next to me. When there is nothing going on, it moves over me like a fog, and I cannot see my way anymore. So I run, and I do, I plan and I begin. Anything to not have that thick fog land...
Hi, I'm Kaisa
I’m a INFJ/HSP/HSS chasing joy, sensations, experiences, emotions, contradictions, LIFE. I’m here to share my experience of existence with you in the hopes that we feel connected at heart and strengthened by our shared experience.
“May we all know ourselves as the Universe created us. May we all know life as we were meant to live it. May we all love purely, deeply and totally. May humanity discover its divinity, and may we all dwell in the peace of the Universe” – A Course in Miracles