Space for the fog

by | Jan 2, 2023 | Human experience, Intuition

Whenever I stop, it catches up with me.

Whenever I stand still, I hear it right next to me.

When there is nothing going on, it moves over me like a fog, and I cannot see my way anymore.

So I run, and I do, I plan and I begin. Anything to not have that thick fog land on me and blur my vision. Because it seems to not only blur everything; it also brings a certain aching into my heart, an ache that I cannot seem to handle. Or rather, I don’t want to handle.

It’s an ache that says “something is here, and something is gone.”  And yet when I look at my life, everything seems to be just fine.

So I ask: What do you mean something is gone? What’s wrong? Nothing is wrong, I don’t have time for this now, I am busy with my life. I don’t have time for you now, please leave me be. Please leave me busy and exhausted so I don’t have time to feel.

Days without magic

This Christmas break was disappointing to say the least. We didn’t have much plans, and the few plans we had turned out hollow, or didn’t turn out at all.

What followed was a stream of endless days without any point. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. By the eve of 25th of December I was crying in my corner of the couch because life was not magical, no matter how I had planned. Life seemed pointless, aimless, empty and spacious. And it made me feel felt lazy, unmotivated and most of all tired in it.

So I spent most days in bed.

As much as I could I stayed still and wallowed in my nothingness accompanied by a sorrow I did not know I had. An uninvited feeling, like a passenger traveling without a ticket, way past his destination. Why is he still here? Where is he going and why is he following me?

I spent all my hours in my soft, beige bathrobe, watching all the Netflix shows I could, reading all the books I had energy for, and ate more chocolate I felt comfortable with. And planned an escape to Paris (planned, not executed).

I don’t do well with emptiness.

After the endeavor I wondered – but what if I did it anyway?

What if I invited space and emptiness in, and finally, for the first time ever, listened carefully at what it had to say? The feeling keeps on returning, like a tidal wave, so it must have something important to say.

What if this year I did something revolutionary, and just listened? What if I stayed curious enough to see what lies behind the fog and the itchy uncomfort?

What happens if I let the fog catch up with me? What if I decide to sit in the middle of it, aimless, directionless, just waiting.

What would happen?

Glennon Doyle has an idea, it seems: “The moment after we don’t know what to do with ourselves is the moment we find ourselves” (from the book Untamed). I don’t feel like I need to find myself because I don’t believe I’m lost, but I certainly have something to find. 

The most important invitations

The thought feels like an invitation. Like a book the Universe has wanted me to read for decades now, but I always found something better to do. But I think I’m ready now.

Because I have learned something about invitations from the Universe. When you feel them coming, you follow. It may not be pretty, it may not be fun all the time, but it will be exactly what is needed. And at the end, it’s always magic.

So what if this year I allowed the space and emptiness to fill me? What if instead of running away from it, I leaned into it? It’s a radical thought. It feels different, like something I have never done before. It feels like adventure and it makes me unsure.

But I want to follow, nonetheless.

Because I love adventure.

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Hi, I'm Kaisa

I’m a INFJ/HSP/HSS chasing joy, sensations, experiences, emotions, contradictions, LIFE. I’m here to share my experience of existence with you in the hopes that we feel connected at heart and strengthened by our shared experience.

“May we all know ourselves as the Universe created us. May we all know life as we were meant to live it. May we all love purely, deeply and totally. May humanity discover its divinity, and may we all dwell in the peace of the Universe” – A Course in Miracles